Monday, October 04, 2004

The END



Sending hugs from ~Chaos~ at 1:09 PM

{xoxo}

(1) comments





Since some people have decided to abuse the board I have deleted the tagboard and the comment section.... if you need to make a comment please e-mail me, and I will post the comment here if you want.

Sending hugs from ~Chaos~ at 1:04 PM

{xoxo}

(0) comments





I never said I was the perfect mom.
I just try to be the best mom I can be.

Wendy called but I don't want to get into the conversation.

I think now that I have to change my blog address once again.
Mainly because there are two people (maybe more) who has access to this blog that I really don't want to have access to it....

Leave me a post or a tag to let me know if you want the new blog address
Or e-mail me
There is going to be alot of people I am going to have to notify about this...
But I'll get it done eventually...
I hate the idea of losing all my posts etc.... and starting over again from scratch, but I really don't have much of a choice now.
I think I will print out the posts that I really need to keep, and in about a weeks time I am going to completely delete this entire blog.

Sending hugs from ~Chaos~ at 11:58 AM

{xoxo}

(0) comments





OK, This needs to be said because of all the tags left in my box.
I am going to start this from the beginning....
Not only for me, but for some other people.

My son decided to have a few friends over Friday night for his birthday.
(His actual Birthday was Sunday October 3rd)
So I agreed to let Mike, who was turning 15 have 6 friends spend the night.
I had talked to the parents of these boys and we had agreed that letting the boys attend the hockey game and walking home as a group would be fine.
I had a strick rule that boys were to come straight home - and to be home no later than 11:15
I was going to also show up at the arena at 11pm to pick up my daughter.

The boys made it home by 11:10pm
They were loud all night playing playstation and watching movies, and skateboarding in the basement.
But in general they were good knids who didn't sneak out etc...
(Thank God)

Anyways... the next afternoon I went grocery shopping.
I had given the boys permission to go to the skateboard with a time to be home.
When I got home from the grocery store, Jaycee was making food.

All the boys, plus some came back to the house.
So I had about 8 - 14 and 15 year olds sitting in my kitchen when one of the boys asks if I heard about the bush party, and three cop cars showing up.
Surprised I looked at them and said no....
Then looked at all the boys and asked if they were there?
They said they were not and only heard and saw it from the arena.
So I double checked and asked again...
NOne of you guys were there?
they all said no.
(For the record I also asked a parent that was at the arena that night if they saw the boys and Jaycee at the arena....They assured me that the kids were at the arena and not at the bush party.

Anyways while me and the kids were discussing the bush party one of the boys say's
"Does your mom know that Felecia had to be picked up last night?"
Confused I looked around and asked the group of kids what happened?
One of the boys (Actually 3 of them) started to explain to me that Felecia was wasted at the arena. And that they called her mom to pick her up.

I swear to god I didn't say a word.
I just looked at Jaycee and asked if she knew.
She said she did know, but didn't tell me
All the boys started to tell me then that it was true...
that they had saw her etc....

So I looked at all of them and said
"What about her party tonight? Is it cancelled?"
No one knew...
I naturally assumed that it would be because I know Wendy.
I knew that Wendy would be upset with Felicia and would ground her.

So I called the house that I knew the party was going to be.
Since the mother was not home (the person I needed to talk to)
I asked that she please call me back.
You see I wasn't sure what to do at this point...
I was hoping that the party was cancelled so that it was taken out of my hands...

I then called ONE parent... and we discussed the situation and the bush party.
At that time I made my decision that Jaycee would not be attending this party if the party was still going on.
I also explained this parent that this was my decision and they could do what they wanted. The person completly understood and said they were going to talk to their husband about it and make a decision later.
That was fine with me.
I already made my decision.

My reasons???
I was told this news in front of a bunch of teenagers.
I understand that kids will do something wrong.
I even understand that there may come a time when my own daughter or son will come home drunk etc...
But when the time comes that they do come home in that state, I WILL NOT throw a party for them the very next day.
A Birthday party that will make them at least $200.
So I explained to the Mike and Jaycee that the reason Jaycee was NOT going this party was because I was not going to reward any kid for drinking when they shoudn't be.
I honestly believe that making a stand in front of my kids by not allowing Jaycee to go to this party told them that if they do something that stupid that I will NOT reward them for it.

I know that Felicia was grounded for two months for what she did.
I honestly don't blame Wendy for any of this. I still believe that Wendy is an excellent mom. But I could not allow my kids to believe that I would let them go to a party the very next day after getting caught doing something like that at the age of 14. I just couldn't do it.
I had to take a stand and let my kids know that it is not acceptable.

When the mom (who's house the party was at) called me I asked her if the party was still going on. She said it was. So I informed her nicely that Jaycee would not be attending. That was all.

But then Sunday morning I received this e-mail from the parent that was thropwing the party at the house.

Tammy clean up your own backyard before you stick your nose in others. Okay you had no business calling around and getting ppl to not have there kids come to the party tonight. I am a fucking responsible adult.. and i watch the kids..
Becuz you have a damn problem with others don't ruin the kids fun..

I can see why kids talk about you stickin your nose in ppls business where it don't belong.


And I was mad.... There was no need for this e-mail. Especially stating that I need to clean up my own backyard. So I replied with this e-mail

I do not have a problem with you. And I had no problem with Jaycee attending a party at your house until I heard some things that did not feel comfortable with. I made a decision based on what I believe in. It had nothing to do with you.
The only person I talked to about this situtation was Laura. And I told her point blank that I was not telling her what to do - But I did make a promise to Laura years ago - That if I heard something that I would tell her, and vise versa.
My kids are MY business!!!!! and if I decide they are NOT allowed to do something that is also my business.
I think that if you wanted to discuss this - you should have called me (like a responsible adult) , instead of sending me an e-mail.

My decision not to allow Jaycee to go to this party had NOTHING to do with you. I am not mad at you. This has nothing to do with you!!!!

God this sounds like dejavu..... Didn't we go through all of this once before with someone elses party????
I'm telling you straight out that the only other parent I talked to about this was Laura.... I did NOT send out a bulk e-mail, or go through the damn telephone book..!!!!

Like I said, I don't have a problem with you. Never did.

P.S. This e-mail was uncalled for.... because it has NOTHING to do with you.....


End of story, the person never e-mailed me back.
But I was mad.
When I wrte that e-mail I bcc 'ed a copy to Laura just so she knew.
A few hours later I was sitting at Laura's house discussing things with her.
I explained that with all of the other shit going on in my life right now, I didn't need to be put in the middle of one of the kids fights again.

I honestly don't believe I did anything wrong.
I did not want to give my kids the impression that doing something like that was acceptable.
I wanted to teach my kids that if they did something like that I would have cancelled any party planned.

And even if everyone out there believes I did something wrong that's fine.
But I believe that I have the right to choice where my kids go.

The tags in my tagboard were also uncalled for Jesse.
If you have a problem with me, and how I decide to raise my kids than call me.
This is my blog.
My place to vent.
My place to scream.
My place to think.
It is my diary, and place where I can go back to if I need to to remember certain things in my life.
It is my place to see the steps I have taken in my life.
And the steps that everyone else has taken.

I am sorry Jesse that you don't want to have anything to do with me.
I am sorry that you feel that way.
But I still believe that I did the right thing.
I still believe that I have the right to raise MY kids the way I want.


Sending hugs from ~Chaos~ at 9:01 AM

{xoxo}

(0) comments





Saturday, October 02, 2004



What kills me is the fact that my daughters friend got drunk last night.
The same friend that Jaycee is suppose to go to a party at tonight.
The same friend who's mom called my sons drug addicts and said that she heard that they were smoking up up town.
(Which was never true)
What kills me, is that this same party is still planned for tonight.
However I am still undecided if I want Jaycee to go to this party.
I think I should let her keep the twenty dollars she was going to give her friend and stay home instead.
Letting Jaycee go to this party knowing what this other girl did last night, is like saying I approve of this childs actions.

I'm still left undecided.

Sending hugs from ~Chaos~ at 4:42 PM

{xoxo}

(0) comments





I have been told that the reason why my account is so far in the red (-2014.00)
Is because I do not have a job.
And the reason why my line of credit is so high (-40,000) is also because I do not have a job.
And who told me this?
The soon to be ex-husband who is driving me crazy.

Yep that is the reason we are so far into debt.
I don't have a job...
It doesn't seem to faze him however, that he has NEVER wanted me to work. And has prevented me from working.
Nope.
All that matters is now... and the point that we are in debt.
And the fact that he really really really wants me to get a job...

And after talking to someone on MSN I explained to her why I really shouldn't get one right now.
I do think however that a part time job might be a good idea.
I'll have to talk to my lawyer about it.



Sending hugs from ~Chaos~ at 4:37 PM

{xoxo}

(0) comments





Wednesday, September 29, 2004

He can be such a prick

I swear to god I feel like screaming.
The good thing about Steven working afternoons is -
I can actually sit at home at night with the kids,
I can sit back in my own home and relax with who I want.

The bad thing?

I have to deal with him during the day.
Which stresses me right the fuck out.

He has been on my case all fucking day....
It started with the coffee this morning.
Steven wakes up in the morning - about 10 am
Coffee is already made - but it has been sitting for a couple of hours.
I was up at 7:30
The "Folgers" can of coffee is empty. (We store the can in the cupboard on top of the stove) On the other side of the cupboard there is a can of "Tim Hortons" coffee.
Well Steven didn't realize that I had bought the Tim Hortons coffee...
(Although it has been sitting there for the past week.)
So he turns around and accuses me of hiding the "good" coffee on him...

Well that just blows my mind.
I started to laugh, and told him that if he had just opened up both doors instead of just one, he would have seen that the coffee has always been there.

But does he listen to me????
Nope...
For the next 15 minutes I have to hear about how I hid the coffee,
How I don't have a job....
How he pays for everything...
And how I am suppose to let him know that we have "good" coffee in the house.
So I laughed again...
And told him to grow up...

Through out the day so far he hs been making smart ass comments that I refuse to listen to.
Until he went to the washing machine...
For the last week the stupid machine refuses to spin all the way...
So you have to go back to the machine and spin out the clothes...
(Sometimes up to 4 times to get all the water out)
Well I have told Steven a week ago that the machine was broken...
But would he listen?
Nope...

HE told me that I didn't do anything all day anyways
And that it wouldn't hurt me to keep an eye on the washing machine and spin the day clothes out...

Until today of course....
He is doing a load of laundry
And the spin cycle won't work
NOT AT ALL
It is definetly broken now....
Unfortunetly there are clothes still in the washing mchine....

BUt who's clothes?
Not mine...
Not the kids.....
STEVEN'S !!!!!

And so what does Steven say to me...
The washing machine won't spin, so you are going to have to ring those clothes out by hand.
So I replied "Really, and who's clothes are they?"
He looks at me and say's "Dark Clothes"
I reply... "No, who's clothes are they? Mine, the kids?... who's"
He replies "They are dark clothes"
So I reply "But they are your dark clothes, and I am not going to touch them..."
And i started to laugh.

So he starts to walk out of the bsement when he suddenly stops and asks
"Where are the income tax returns for the last three years?"
I replied "why?" Already knowing that his lawyer wants them
He say's "Because I need them"
I reply "Since you don't pay the bills, and have no clue where to find them - I am not going to help you out. Ask my lawyer if you need somethng"
He turns around and say's "I need them- so you better get them"
Then he walks out of the room.

The way I figure it -
If he wants something he can talk to my lawyer...
I am sick and tired of playing these stupid games with him.

He seems to believe that I will be the one that will have to leave this house.
That I will be the one that will have to leave my kids
That I will lose everything
And I am so afraid that it may happen.

All of a sudden it has been so damn important that I get a job.
When for years he has done everything in his power to make me stay at home.
Now it seems all so fired up important that I get a job.
And so I told him,
when he gets the hell out of my house,
then I will get a full time job.
And he laughed at me and said I was in "LA LA Land"

So what happens when October 13th comes around.
And we go to court.
What happens if the judge says I have to leave?
I will lose it.
I will honestly lose my mind - knowing that I won't be with the kids.

But on the other hand-
What happens to me if the judge say's that Steven has to leave.
What will Steven do?
Will he hurt me?
Hurt himself?
what happens then??????


Sending hugs from ~Chaos~ at 2:11 PM

{xoxo}

(2) comments





What will your Funeral be like?
by rashock
Username
You will die by:You died of natural causes. How sweet. Your funeral is an adverage open casket.
Death Date:April 18, 2063
Number attending your funeral?128
How much will you leave to friends and family?$458,899
Quiz created with MemeGen!


Sending hugs from ~Chaos~ at 11:34 AM

{xoxo}

(1) comments





What will your Funeral be like?
by rashock
Username
You will die by:Mysterious unsolved murder. The killer was never found and neither was your body. Your casket is empty and you family mourns till this day in hopes that you are still alive or died a swift death.
Death Date:July 21, 2014
Number attending your funeral?67
How much will you leave to friends and family?$3,534,633
Quiz created with MemeGen!


Sending hugs from ~Chaos~ at 11:33 AM

{xoxo}

(1) comments



Divorce: The Last Word

· Never assume your friend's, sister's, or neighbour's marriage is perfect, for there very well could be cracks you don't see.

· It's better to be alone, relying upon good friends for communication and validation, than miserable in a silent union that wears you down.

· No woman should live with fear and intimidation. Ever.

· Helping children through adolescence is plenty. Navigating it for a husband is hopeless.

· Single parenting isn't a picnic, but the bond you form sticking with your children is irreplaceable.

· Who would have thought? The men who left their wives-for whatever reason or whatever person-often did them the biggest favour of their lives. Most of us women are stronger and more resourceful than we ever imagined.

· If you work hard, and live right, there will be opportunities for you.

· The future is so much more pleasant to ponder than the past.


Sending hugs from ~Chaos~ at 11:08 AM

{xoxo}

(0) comments





Tuesday, September 28, 2004



You get to breaking point, and you speak out/leave/whatever.
You have a 'conversation' and it ends up that you can see that, while he is at fault, maybe you could have handled things better.
So you talk again, and you come to realise that, while he is mainly to blame, some of it is your fault too, you know how to push his buttons.
So you talk some more, and it seems like your are both equally to blame really, because yeah ok, he has a 'bit of a temper' but then, you know that, so you could be a bit more careful about what you say/how you put things.
So you agree to try harder, both of you. A short time passes and hey, you realise that really, you are most to blame because he, after all, is a perfectly 'regular' guy, just a bit short tempered really, and he likes things done a certain way, is that so unreasonable?
And hey, if he 'spies' on you, its only because you have said things about him in the past, and he wants to make sure you aren't still doing that.
And all these people who think you are so sweet and hard done by, they don't really know the real you do they? They only know your side of things, they don't know what he has to put up with from you.
If they did, they probably wouldn't take your side, heck, they probably wouldn't even give you the time of day if they knew you, really knew you.
You know what, it is all your fault really, you are such a worthless/stupid/manipulative/useless person.

Sending hugs from ~Chaos~ at 1:08 PM

{xoxo}

(0) comments





The last few days, I haven't really written anything personal in here.
There are days when sometimes it is better to keep things floating in my head.
I don't know why, maybe the concept of putting certain things in writing is to real. Too final.

The last few days have been better.
Yes I have had the little quarrles with Steven etc...
But in general I have been trying to keep my head.
I am afraid to open my mouth lately, due to the fact that it will start an out right war again in this house.
My main goal these dys is to see the kids through this divorce the best way possible.

I went to Grand Bend last weekend with a few friend and my sister.
All in all the night out (we spent the night) was pretty good.
I think I needed the time out away from the house and Steven.
Since Steven has been on afternoons this week
(it is his second week)
I have been more relaxed,
I have been eating more.
And I am able to sit back in my house and relax like i need to at night with the kids.
Next week might be more stressful when Steven is back on days and I will have to leave the house in order to get some peace.




Sending hugs from ~Chaos~ at 12:48 PM

{xoxo}

(0) comments





I decided to make a posting in one of message boards that I frequent ....
I go to two of them. One is a divorce message board, the other is a verbal abusive message board. I thought I would share what I wrote to everyone....

__________

I have been lurking in here for the last few months…. Not sure if I should post something or not.
Today I decided to just post it.
So I am going to introduce myself….

I am 34 years old, and have 3 beautiful children, ages 9, 14, 15
I married my husband when I was 18 years old. (I was pregnant at the time we were married) So I have been married for 15 years.

I am not going to lie to you and say that our marriage was perfect from day one…. My husband and I were married way too early in life, with a child on the way. I grew up extremely fast, while the husband was still able to play around like he was a teenager.
Back then I accepted that I was now a mother and a wife and I tried to make the very best of our life. I tried to work against the odds…. I refused to believe that we could not make it.
So I let things slip, I allowed my husband to control me, not really putting up a fight. I agreed to stay home with the kids. I agreed that working was not an option. I gave up most of my friends and started hanging out with only his group of friends and relatives.

Decisions that I now regret doing…. I must say though that I warned my Husband early on that I was going to get on with my life when the kids went back to school. That I was going to go back to work.

When that time came , all hell broke loose.
I was accused of cheating when I was working. He did everything in his power to make me decide not to work. He taped my phone conversations, spied inside the computer, etc…
It was a controlling issue I couldn’t handle.
I begged my husband for three years to stop.
Begged him to stop the verbal abuse he was throwing on me.
I was stressed out all the time, losing the weight.
My family doctor was even worried about my condition at one time and told me that I needed to gain some weight, or get counseling.
I refused marriage counseling because my husband refused marriage counseling.
He was convinced that a marriage counselor was going to tell him that our marriage was doomed.
So for years I begged him to stop.
I didn’t want to lose my marriage.
I just wanted some independence.

Then last Christmas eve, at my sister’s house. I got off the couch to give a guy friend a hug. My husband knew that the reason I wanted to leave his side on the couch was to give the friend a hug. So he bodily kept me there. When I pushed him away finally and got up – my husband punched me in the leg.
No one said anything, but they saw me limping slightly when I got up.

Later that night the verbal fighting started up again. He accused the friend of being in love with me… told me it was my fault that he hit me, etc…..
There were months on end when we would just verbally fight, where I would hide myself away in my room and cry. I gave the kids excuse after excuse, that just had a headache, and that everything would be alright.

I hid away the fact from everyone about what I was going through. I thought that if people knew they would blame me. That it would be my fault some how.

In February I told my husband that I wanted a divorce again. I went and seeked legal counsel a few months later. For the longest time he thought it was a joke. Didn’t believe that I would divorce him.
My experiences of living with a husband that I am now separated with is stressful, and exhausting. I still feel caged. And the verbal abuse is so much more worse now.

I have a court date on October 13th…… My first one, to discuss the sale of our house, spousal and child support, plus a restraining order that will be placed if I can get control of the house until the sell of it…. I daily write about my experiences in an online blog (diary) It helps me relax and put things into perspective. I also have a few loyal readers who come and check up on me…. And give me the moral support I need.

I suggest to anyone who reads this, to get out of a verbal abusive relationship ASAP….. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to heal. (I’m still not sure how long it will be before I don’t feel caged and unworthy)

Sending hugs from ~Chaos~ at 12:02 PM

{xoxo}

(0) comments





Friday, September 24, 2004

ABUSE AND EATING DISORDERS

I will admit that I have sort of a eating disorder....
I have a hard time eating when I am under alot of stress...
And I admit that I really do need to gain up some weight...
I think my current weight is at 106 lbs...
Which is not good considering I stand at 5' 4.5" (Not quite 5'5
So I admit that I should.... that I need to , gain about 10 lbs....
But I have such a hard time doing that when I do feel alot of stress...
I tend to forget to eat, and there are times when I do force myself to eat that I want to throw up (But I don't)
Anyways,.... I came across this, so I decided to share


Studies have shown that there are a high number of people suffering with eating disorders who have been subjected to some form of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse. I do not believe studies can give an accurate percentage since many victims of abuse repress the memories or have disassociated themselves from the abuse. Many of these people have found that their eating disorders help to protect them, repress or block out the memories, and numbed their feelings. Facing issues of abuse can be very painful, so most people feel they need to forget about it or make the memories disappear.

Many people blame themselves for the abuse and keep it a secret for years. Since it is so hard to understand why someone would do such horrible things to another human being, the victims usually assume they must have done something wrong to deserve it. They usually keep it a secret because of the shame and guilt they feel. They may also fear that no one will believe them it they talk about it or they may have been threatened by their abuser not to tell. For these victims, sometimes their eating disorders become their only means of coping and expressing their emotions. Many bulimics and compulsive eaters reveal that bingeing is their way of stuffing down the emotions they feel. Food becomes their only source of comfort and it can help to numb their feelings, even though it is only temporary. Many will tell you that food is the one thing that is always there for them. Food does not yell at them, hurt them and will never leave them. It becomes the one thing in their life that brings them comfort and security. Some victims of abuse believe that if they are too thin or too obese, it will make them unattractive and the abuse will stop. Others may believe that by not eating they can just fade away and die, then the abuse will have to end. Other victims have expressed a need to be in control in the areas of food. They feel the need to control the food that goes in and out of their bodies, since they felt they had no control over what was happening to their bodies during the abuse. Purging is another way for abuse victims to release their emotions. If they believe they cannot tell anyone about the abuse and express the emotions they are experiencing, purging may be the only way they know how to get those feelings out. Many feel relieved and calm after purging, but it is only temporary and that is why the cycle continues.

When people who have repressed or blocked out the abuse start having memories, it is a terrifying experience for them. They many find themselves experiencing some of the following emotions and feelings: (I have highlighted the ones I felt I have done or still do)

Depression
Crying uncontrollably
Nightmares

Panic & anxiety attacks
Flashbacks
Retriggering
Feelings of being hopeless
Feelings of being crazy
Confusion
Inability to function
Denial
Disbelief
Shame
Guilt
Embarrassment
Fear & terror

Anger
Rage
Feeling numb
Shock
Wanting to isolate

Physical body sensations
Feeling dirty
Inability to function in relationship
Nausea and vomiting
Suicidal thoughts


For many, the eating disorder has been their only means of survival for many years and it is difficult to recover because of the fear to give it up. They are not sure if they can survive without their eating disorder.




Sending hugs from ~Chaos~ at 5:39 PM

{xoxo}

(1) comments





Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Cancer Horoscope for 9/20 - 9/26

This week's scenario is highlighted by emotional feelings & your realization that life goes on.

You can't continue to wear your emotions on your sleeve.

Recent chain of events need to be addressed honestly.

If you are defensive, you may tend to overreact.

You'll feel pulled in many different directions.

Express your feelings, let the chips fall.

Show the strength you possess but use your sense of humour to get your point of view across.

Allow other to see your sensitive side.

Keep recent promise to continue to keep yourself fit, will benefit you both physically & emotionally.




Sending hugs from ~Chaos~ at 1:45 PM

{xoxo}

(0) comments



Ahhh shit.... Marty is going to be mad

Marty is a capricorn.....LOL

The Cancer Prospective mates:
Excellent Chance: Pisces. Scorpio.
Good Chance: Taurus. Gemini. Cancer. Leo. Virgo.
Fair Chance: Aries. Libra. Capricorn.
Fat Chance: Sagittarius. Aquarius.



Sending hugs from ~Chaos~ at 1:32 PM

{xoxo}

(1) comments





Don't tell me how to cry !

Don't tell me that you understand,
Don't tell me that you know,
Don't tell me that I will survive,
How I will surely grow.

Don't tell me this is just a test,
That I am truly blessed.
That I am chosen for this task,
Apart from all the rest.

Don't come at me with answers
That can only come from me,
Don't tell me how my grief will pass,
That I will soon be free.

Don't stand in pious judgment
Of the bonds I must untie,
Don't tell me how to suffer,
Don't tell me how to CRY...

My life is filled with sadness,
My pain is all I see,
But I need you, I need your tenderness,
Unconditionally my friend.

Accept me in my ups and downs,
I need someone to share ...
Just hold my hand and let me Cry...
Tell Me, " My friend, I care!"



Sending hugs from ~Chaos~ at 1:30 PM

{xoxo}

(0) comments



Painful Voices

Can this burden be borne?
Now that the laughter has gone?
The light she thought would stay,
Has, this time, faded away.

A chasm in her soul, so wide,
Where everything beautiful has died,
Her heart has been wrung dry,
So much, she can barely cry.


Meaningless words echo still,
In caverns they were meant to fill.
Apologies being of little worth,
The rhethoric of her hurt.


Sitting on the edge of the world,
Her heart is heavy, though empty and cold,
Sharp splinters continue to fall,
Slicing her life, her soul, her all.



Sending hugs from ~Chaos~ at 8:49 AM

{xoxo}

(0) comments



The first day of fall

OK... It;s also "Ice Cream cone Day today"

I love the fall. It's my favorite season of the year.

I was able to sit back and watch the season final of Big Brother 5 last night.
And yes Drew (He is so damn cute) won.... I had to agree with the rest of the jury last night. Drew did play an awesome game.... and cowboy just went along for the ride. I think if decided to go on any reality tv show it would be Big Brother. They are taking applications now for the next Big Brother.... I think it would be a life time experience....



Sending hugs from ~Chaos~ at 8:47 AM

{xoxo}

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Tuesday, September 21, 2004



Yes I decided that I was going to make a posting today.
I just feel like it...LOL

Anyways... Steven is on afternoons... I'm not sure for how long. But he was on afternoons last night, and he just went in for afternoons now.

Do you know it's like this weight has been lifted off me when he leaves.
When I know he will be gone for a few hours...
I get a sense of calm and I am more relaxed..

Last night Marty came over for awhile and we were able to sit back and relax for abit.....
Then Brian called and I told him to come over for awhile too....
So we were all able to actually just back and relax for awhile....
Which was actually really really nice.
I like being able to get comfortable in my home without worrying about Steven....



Sending hugs from ~Chaos~ at 3:05 PM

{xoxo}

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I don't want to do anything today

I just want to sit here and browse online...


Sending hugs from ~Chaos~ at 9:26 AM

{xoxo}

(1) comments






There has been a lot of upheaval in my life. A lot that I am going through. So I decided I needed a sanctuary to run to...A safe place where I could relax... stretch my wings a bit...Learn to be me again.
Herein lies my Sanctuary.
Originally I started this blog January 31, 2004.
As a way to express myself from everything that was going on in my life.
I found that writing down my thoughts and my feelings helped me relax and actually think more clearly....
This is my place where I can sit back and write.
My place to express myself.
My place to be me.

Just because you read my blog, don't assume you know it all.
Read THIS




Letting Go
"Some people believe that holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength.
However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go
-- and then do it."

--Ann Landers

"I wanted a perfect ending.
Now I've learned, the hard way,
that some poems don't rhyme,
and some stories don't have
a clear beginning, middle, and end.
Life is about not knowing,
having to change,
taking the moment and making the best of it,
without knowing what's going to happen next."

--Gilda Radner

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